Never FIGHTER Down

MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN!  I and return bearing gifts…of reviews!

Annnnnnnnnnd GO:

Movies LOVE telling “true” stories.  Unfortunately for those movies, my phone has a Wikipedia app and I already know how it ends before the first 20 minutes.  I know I probably shouldn’t ruin it for myself, but I do what I want, when I want, and how I want and no mummy is gonna tell ME WHAT TO DO!

So, suppose you were in Lowell, Massachusetts in the 80’s and you’re name is Micky Ward.  Now stop supposing because that’s weird and you look like a loon.  However, there was a Micky Ward in Lowell, which I know from a Death Cab for Cutie song absolutely nothing about (because that song makes no sense).  Back to Micky Ward (played by Mark Wahlberg who was born in Boston or something, and has the same initials….oooeeeeeooooo) who works on a road crew and trains to box with his older brother who apparently fought Sugar Ray Leonard and…lost…BUT HE KNOCKED HIM DOWN!  When the film opens, there is a camera crew following around Dickey Eklund, former mention older brother (Christian Bale), and they are filming his boxing comeback.  Everybody goes along with this which I can’t figure out because the Bale doesn’t box anymore.  He stopped because he’s addicted to that sweet cocaine, and he just keeps talking and talking and talking about fighting Sugar Ray.  While Eklund passes out in a crack house and forgets to train his brother, Ward’s mom is busy managing her son’s career as a boxer and being an attention whore.  She’s like the octo-mom of the 60’s because she has a literal posse of daughters who I’m sure were just as much of a waste of space in real life as they were onscreen.  All these supposed children she has are all like the same ages too.  It really hits home the message I learned in the movie Idiocracy.  Anyway, Micky Ward sucks at boxing until his brother gets arrested and he starts dating bar wench Cheyanne (Amy Adams).  Then, he wins a bunch and maybe punches dudes.  I’m not joking when I say maybe…sometimes he just doesn’t and stands there and gets punched instead!  Reminiscent of Homer Simpson when he had his bout in the wild world of boxing…

That’s the rundown.  I bet this movie had a ridiculously low makeup budget.  Not because anyone is that attractive, but because it isn’t a far stretch to make regular Christian Bale into crack addict Christian Bale.  Also, Amy Adams has sufficiently red rimmed eyes the ENTIRE time so it looks like she just got done with a sob-fest right when the camera started to roll.  I guess all these people weren’t well-to-do either so no big bucks were spent on wardrobe.  This is actually a plus, because I am sick of seeing people in movies in outfits that are worth thousands.  That money could be going to me…for my alcohol budget! 

I have no problems with the acting, eerily enough.  The directing was alright, though it may be that the director was the one depressing Amy Adams and then yelling “Action” right when she stopped crying.  Actually, Mark Wahlberg is a favorite of mine, though I’m really only waiting when I can see another Huckabees-like performance (best ever).   Though, I hate that Christian Bale.  I like movies he’s in (Machinist, 310 to Yuma, American Psycho), but never him in them.  Even Cate Blanchett was a better Bob Dylan in I’m Not There.  The main problem I had with The Fighter was that it starts out all Friday Night Lights.  He just kept losing and sucking!  I just had to hunker down and wait until he won so it could turn into Remember the Titans.  I’m sorry for that analogy to anyone who knows things about sports though I admit no wrong and stand by what I wrote.

I gave this movie 7 out of 10 “IT’S FUCKING DISTRACTING!!!”S