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Witch in 60 Seasons

January 7, 2011

I’ve been seeing trailers and posters for Dominic Sena’s latest movie since 2009. Fortunately, the time has come where I can stop being bombarded by ads for it. Originally, Season of the Witch was going to be released in March 2010, but was pushed back to avoid having to battle with other films at the box office that were expected to do well. They decided to dump it into theatres almost a year later, when the competition is relatively nonthreatening. Good move on their part, because Season is not a film that anyone should be watching if there are any alternatives.

Nickelback Cage stars as a medieval knight, fighting in the Crusades alongside his BFF Ron Perlman. Together, they do their best 300 impression, fighting in huge battles, complete with slow-motion close ups of them slashing and stabbing enemy soldiers.  Eventually, they realize that the Church is ordering women and children to be killed in towns they have been fighting through. Nic Cage decides to tell his commander he’s not down with that. When the killing continues, Nic and Ron walk out of the army, smugly asking “Who’s gonna stop us?” (Seriously, no one even tries to stop them, despite the next half-hour of the film emphasizing how they’re now fugitives who, if caught, will be hanged and/or burned.)

They walk around the countryside until they come across a town ravaged by disease. Someone notices that they are deserters and they get thrown in jail. Apparently, this small town has heard stories of these specific two guys getting all the high scores on the battlefield and offers them a bargain. They’ve captured a girl who they claim is the witch that brought the plague upon the world. If they take this witch and throw her into the fires of Mt Doom, the plague will be undone and the two deserters will have their freedom. They round up an expendable posse of boring dudes and set out on their quest.

At this point, Sena decides to throw in a bunch of scary things, like a bridge, zombie monks, wolves with faces that morph into…wrinkley wolf faces… and fog. (OH NOOOO) Meanwhile, the witch is trying to mess with Cage’s mind, resulting in him delivering his badly written lines in an even more monotone voice than before.

Nothing in this movie really makes any sense. My biggest gripe is that apparently this group of guys is immune to the bubonic plague. All of them are in constant contact with infected people and corpses but they couldn’t care less. They travel for a good week or so, and no one gets even so much as a runny nose.

Oh and there’s a twist at the end. It’s not a good twist. But it’s there. Ron Perlman gets hugged to death and some other stuff happens and then it’s over.

If you crave bad acting, lackluster scripts, and crappy CGI, this is the film for you. Also, if your local projectionist sucks, you might get to see some boom mics or timecode they missed in editing.

Season of the Witch gets 4/10 flasks of holy water.